Forgiveness Pt 4: Your are the expert and are strong

If up till now I seem to be a bit cynical or sarcastic about other’s views of forgiveness and viewpoint in general let me assure you that you are not incorrect. That does not mean I am being most constructive when I am cynical and sarcastic. It’s just with so many “self help” books, faith based or otherwise, out there with little or no redeeming value it is hard for me to take the whole genre with much seriousness.
Even this that I am writing should be taken with a grain of salt. I am only an expert in my own life…and I’m making that up as I go. I don’t hold a PhD... I’m not a certified counselor. Sometimes I have a hard time holding my own relationships together. When I look at many others my age who are more accomplished I am almost embarrassed. They have finished their doctoral degrees. Their degrees may even be from more prestigious schools. They may make more and live in larger houses. The reason for this (at least in part) is because this is where they have focused their effort…their careers, their education.
I am, on one hand, proud to say that I have spent an inordinate amount of time building relationships. I have always felt it is people that are most important. Maybe that is my calling from God…to put people first.
In the past I had a lot of good friends. Then I got married. My wife has become the center of my life. Now that we have a child, he too is at the center. My friends have taken a back seat. I hardly call them, email them, write them, or see them. I’m reminded of something a man in Louisville once told me. He was in his 50’s (I guess) and was a member of the YMCA where I worked while I was in seminary. I’m not sure how we got on the topic, but he mentioned he didn’t have any friends.
He told me he went to work, came to the “Y” to work out, and then went home to his wife. He, the same as I (at this point in my life) didn’t keep in touch with old friend and acquaintances. Now don’t misunderstand this was not a sad, depressed man getting ready to walk out into traffic without looking both directions. He was smiling when he told me this and was generally one of the happiest people I had the pleasure of knowing there. It’s just how it is sometimes in life.
Sometimes, even when we are keeping up with our friendships and acquaintances we can experience great loneliness. I’ve kind of lost track of where I was going with all that except to say that I am not the final word in your relationships…you are. The things I am sharing with you are tools, perspectives, information, stories. You can take and use them. You can get bored and reject them. You can glean what you can and use it to help yourself and others you come into contact with. It’s your choice.
Despite my cynicism and sarcastic tendencies it is love that I want to share with you. My love for you and my love for seeing people love each other. Isn’t that a precious thought? I feel like Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live (I’ve got a feeling I’ll be mentioning him now and again).
Now then, where was I? Oh yes, we were blaming someone for hitting me over the head with a frying pan---not that anyone has really done that, but you get the idea. If you don’t blame anyone then you can’t forgive anyone.
In several different places I have read that forgiveness comes from a position of strength. However, if we have been abandoned, taken advantage of, robbed, or somehow invaded then the question begs; how are we in a position of strength? Well, at least initially we aren’t.
When I was doing my training for family and divorce mediation I learned there was a large number of a divorcee’s who did two specific things; run marathons and go to medical school. It rang true because I knew a girl who was going through a divorce and was preparing for both (medical school and a marathon). When her husband hit her she was not in a position of strength. When she decided to divorce him and run the marathon and go back to school she was proving to herself (and others) how strong she really was. When a marriage ends there is a huge hole in a person’s life. They have been putting a huge amount of emotional energy into their relationship for months if not for years, and now they have no one to pour that energy into. Hence, marathons and medical school.
Besides being a reservoir to pour energy into these things (and plenty of others) fill a role in the process of healing and forgiving. Accomplishing goals, stepping out and doing new things, learning who you are again; and doing so on your own effort (as opposed to the effort of family and friends…I’m not saying they won’t be a help – nor am I making a theological statement that you are doing these things apart from God) creates power for yourself. The accomplishment tells you that despite what someone did to you, you are strong and intelligent. You are a person of fortitude.
Medical school and marathons may be a bit extreme. Your power may come from getting a job after being a stay at home mom for years. After joining the workforce you may realize (you need to realize) that you are valuable, do have skills, and can make a contribution. The person(s) that hurt you took from you choices, financial resources, and/or your personal freedom. As you gain strength you are creating a solid foundation from which to forgive.

Forgiveness Pt. 2 - Laying the Blame

Now don’t get me wrong; here in a few pages I’m going to have my own list of steps on how to forgive. I’m just trying to break up the tension a little bit, because what we are discussing here is really serious stuff. People say and do silly little things at work everyday that get under your skin. Companies fire you for reasons you don’t think are valid. Punks rob you. Thugs break into your home. Relatives molest other relatives. People get raped. People get murdered. There is a lot to forgive in our world today.
When I was growing up my mom used to say, “I never said life was fair.” That’s the truth. We don’t always get what we deserve. Religious leaders and well meaning people will delude themselves and others into not taking action, suppressing emotions, or burying the truth by saying the actions of others will catch up to them some day. Well…it doesn’t always happen that way. And yet…. And yet if we don’t forgive we are stuck in a place in our lives where the event, the action, the scar they left is all we seem to be able to focus on. Or maybe we bury it and never acknowledge the crime done to us. The thing is we can never forgive a wrong if we don’t admit a wrong has been done. How do you ever forgive someone if you won’t admit that they did anything to you?
I wholeheartedly agree with Ms. Flanigan when she says that to forgive someone you first have to blame them. Sometimes, I don’t like to assign blame. I’ve never walked in that person’s shoes. I don’t know what life experiences they have had that led them up to that point. It didn’t really do much of any real harm and I know they have had a tough time. The thing is…everyone is responsible for his or her own actions. There are a lot of people out there who have been through some pretty terrible stuff; abuse, neglect, rape, molestation, death of loved ones, and more. Many of these people are caught up in destructive patterns of behavior that they have tried unsuccessfully to escape. When it comes down to it; when they do something bad to you it is their fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not their parents fault. It’s not their attacker’s fault if they were previously victims. It is their fault.
If someone hurts you the blame is on them. Not you. Not anyone else. You will never really be able to forgive them if you don’t blame them. You have to state it, say it out loud, yell it, or at least acquiesce to it…. “It is your fault this happened. You are the reason I am hurt. I blame you.” I know in the past (and still to a certain extent in the present) I have a strong tendency to want to “walk in the other person’s shoes.” That is I want to explain away their behavior by saying their past led them to this…it’s not really their fault. Well, the thing is their past wasn’t swinging a frying pan at my head…it was them!
Understanding someone’s background will help you understand why they did it (maybe), but it isn’t an excuse. Whether they are an adult or a child (to be held accountable legally or not) if they did something to you then they did something to you. This isn’t a commentary on our justice system. I’m not saying children should be treated like adults in the courts (I’m not saying they shouldn’t be either). I’m saying for the sake of forgiveness, if you don’t blame someone there is no one to forgive!

Forgiveness Pt 1: The resources are out there

The book was called “Total Forgiveness” and I had high hopes for it. The author had gone to the same seminary as I did and he was the pastor of Westminster Chapel in London for twenty-five years. I figured he had been around a “high brow” congregation for a while. “High brow” congregants typically are snooty because they are intelligent and won’t let a pastor get by with a lot of meaningless religious jargon every Sunday morning (unless it is very, very pretty sounding religious jargon).
The first couple of pages of the book were devoted to various pastors and leaders saying good things about the book. There were some really conservative names. There were some people I had never heard of. There were also some people that, for me anyway, led instant credibility to the book. For example; Cliff Barrows of Billy Graham Crusade organization lent his name and credence to the book as did Tony Campolo.
I was really excited because so much of what I had uncovered in Christian circles about forgiveness was just a bunch of empty nothingness. “We need to forgive because we are commanded to forgive.” “Forgiveness is essential to the Christian life.” “We must forgive and forget.” Blah, blah, blah…. Most of the stuff I’ve read growing up in church and even in seminary doesn’t define forgiveness. It doesn’t give you any clear understanding of what may be involved in forgiveness. It doesn’t even really give you a clue when you may or may not have actually forgiven someone.
With this book I was really expecting something different. I don’t know why I was expecting something different. There must be part of me that is an eternal optimist. However…once I started reading…nothing new at all…it was just the same old same old. At one point it looked like it was going to get personal as the author told about some issue where he hadn’t forgiven someone. Unfortunately, he did not give any details…which means he didn’t make it personal. I’m gonna have a hard time finishing the book.
I am thankful that some time before picking up “Total Forgiveness” I picked up “Forgiving the Unforgivable.” I had just had a fight with my wife and saw it in the bookstore. We had been arguing (I don’t remember if it was just before getting up or just as we were going to sleep) in bed and I got mad and got up and slammed my pillow down…partially on her head. Now the pillow didn’t hurt her, but the idea that when angry I would resort to ANY sort of physical intimidation or violence scared the shit out of her…and me too!
So I’m thinking…what would make me do something like that? I must have a few skeletons in my closet to make me react like that. I’m the kind of person that when I want to know about something I’ll go read about it. So I was off to the local Barnes & Nobles to get me a dose of self help (just because it may be a “self help” book doesn’t mean God didn’t lead me to it.). What I found was “Forgiving the Unforgivable.” The author, Beverly Flanigan, is a social worker and makes no comment throughout the whole book on whether or not she is a Christian. However, I can tell you this… regardless of whether or not she is a Christian most of us could learn a lot about forgiveness by listening to what she has to say.
The book does have a distinctive academic tone to it. That is, it isn’t the easiest read. However, there has been a movement in academia lately to urge scholars to write in a more understandable manner. I’ve seen more than one PhD thesis that was published and available in local bookstores. I would place Flanigan’s work in this kind of category. It does have a distinctive academic tone, but it is tempered with the knowledge that if it is too antiseptic no one will read it.
Ms. Flanigan also keeps it real. She gives details on lots of scenarios that she has run across over the years. You can read and clearly understand, sympathize, and/or empathize with the stories. This book isn’t about forgiving someone for stepping on your toe or accidentally getting into your Lexus with mud on their shoes. This book is about big forgiveness. It’s about your life coming unraveled and finding a way to push through it. I love the way she writes about forgiveness.
“To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it.”[1] She immediately puts aside the notion that forgiving means forgetting. She immediately puts aside the notion that saying, “I forgive you” is anything more than an empty proclamation when real damage has been done. She lets you know that forgiveness is often a solitary journey that is slow and requires persistence.
Quite often we imagine forgiveness taking place only after someone says they are sorry and then wants to be forgiven. However, she points out that in many, many situations the person committing the offence NEVER says they are sorry. Maybe they didn’t realize they did anything. Maybe they have moved to a new city or state with their new boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe they are in prison. The point is that forgiveness can still take place even if you never get an apology.[2]
I was also excited to find some fairly well developed resources on the internet regarding forgiveness. TheForgivenessProject.com, Peacefultommorrows.org, learningtoforgive.com, JourneyTowardForgiveness.com, Forgiving.org, and Forgivenessweb.com are all web sites that have something to offer. I’m not saying that I agree with everything on these websites by any means, but I do think that as a whole they can shed new light, new vision, and create new insights on how to forgive.
It’s really interesting to read the various steps of forgiveness. Journeytowardforgiveness.com has five (5) steps. Fred Luskin has four (4) steps. Victor Parachin has ten (10) guidelines. For the most part they all have some good points and some have a few that I think are actually rather silly. For example Parachin’s number two (2) guideline smacks of Saturday Night Live’s Stuart Smalley when he says, “Spend a few minutes each day cleaning out your thinking.”[3] I’m not saying it’s not a good idea…it just sounds goofy.
The key thing here is that there are some good resources out there on forgiveness…we just have to go and find them.
[1] p 5 “Forgiving the Unforgivable” by Beverly Flanigan. Wiley Publishing.
[2] P23-26 “Forgiving the Unforgivable” by Beverly Flanigan. Wiley Publishing.
[3] http://www.sober.org/ForgVict.html