Forgiveness Pt 1: The resources are out there

The book was called “Total Forgiveness” and I had high hopes for it. The author had gone to the same seminary as I did and he was the pastor of Westminster Chapel in London for twenty-five years. I figured he had been around a “high brow” congregation for a while. “High brow” congregants typically are snooty because they are intelligent and won’t let a pastor get by with a lot of meaningless religious jargon every Sunday morning (unless it is very, very pretty sounding religious jargon).
The first couple of pages of the book were devoted to various pastors and leaders saying good things about the book. There were some really conservative names. There were some people I had never heard of. There were also some people that, for me anyway, led instant credibility to the book. For example; Cliff Barrows of Billy Graham Crusade organization lent his name and credence to the book as did Tony Campolo.
I was really excited because so much of what I had uncovered in Christian circles about forgiveness was just a bunch of empty nothingness. “We need to forgive because we are commanded to forgive.” “Forgiveness is essential to the Christian life.” “We must forgive and forget.” Blah, blah, blah…. Most of the stuff I’ve read growing up in church and even in seminary doesn’t define forgiveness. It doesn’t give you any clear understanding of what may be involved in forgiveness. It doesn’t even really give you a clue when you may or may not have actually forgiven someone.
With this book I was really expecting something different. I don’t know why I was expecting something different. There must be part of me that is an eternal optimist. However…once I started reading…nothing new at all…it was just the same old same old. At one point it looked like it was going to get personal as the author told about some issue where he hadn’t forgiven someone. Unfortunately, he did not give any details…which means he didn’t make it personal. I’m gonna have a hard time finishing the book.
I am thankful that some time before picking up “Total Forgiveness” I picked up “Forgiving the Unforgivable.” I had just had a fight with my wife and saw it in the bookstore. We had been arguing (I don’t remember if it was just before getting up or just as we were going to sleep) in bed and I got mad and got up and slammed my pillow down…partially on her head. Now the pillow didn’t hurt her, but the idea that when angry I would resort to ANY sort of physical intimidation or violence scared the shit out of her…and me too!
So I’m thinking…what would make me do something like that? I must have a few skeletons in my closet to make me react like that. I’m the kind of person that when I want to know about something I’ll go read about it. So I was off to the local Barnes & Nobles to get me a dose of self help (just because it may be a “self help” book doesn’t mean God didn’t lead me to it.). What I found was “Forgiving the Unforgivable.” The author, Beverly Flanigan, is a social worker and makes no comment throughout the whole book on whether or not she is a Christian. However, I can tell you this… regardless of whether or not she is a Christian most of us could learn a lot about forgiveness by listening to what she has to say.
The book does have a distinctive academic tone to it. That is, it isn’t the easiest read. However, there has been a movement in academia lately to urge scholars to write in a more understandable manner. I’ve seen more than one PhD thesis that was published and available in local bookstores. I would place Flanigan’s work in this kind of category. It does have a distinctive academic tone, but it is tempered with the knowledge that if it is too antiseptic no one will read it.
Ms. Flanigan also keeps it real. She gives details on lots of scenarios that she has run across over the years. You can read and clearly understand, sympathize, and/or empathize with the stories. This book isn’t about forgiving someone for stepping on your toe or accidentally getting into your Lexus with mud on their shoes. This book is about big forgiveness. It’s about your life coming unraveled and finding a way to push through it. I love the way she writes about forgiveness.
“To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it.”[1] She immediately puts aside the notion that forgiving means forgetting. She immediately puts aside the notion that saying, “I forgive you” is anything more than an empty proclamation when real damage has been done. She lets you know that forgiveness is often a solitary journey that is slow and requires persistence.
Quite often we imagine forgiveness taking place only after someone says they are sorry and then wants to be forgiven. However, she points out that in many, many situations the person committing the offence NEVER says they are sorry. Maybe they didn’t realize they did anything. Maybe they have moved to a new city or state with their new boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe they are in prison. The point is that forgiveness can still take place even if you never get an apology.[2]
I was also excited to find some fairly well developed resources on the internet regarding forgiveness. TheForgivenessProject.com, Peacefultommorrows.org, learningtoforgive.com, JourneyTowardForgiveness.com, Forgiving.org, and Forgivenessweb.com are all web sites that have something to offer. I’m not saying that I agree with everything on these websites by any means, but I do think that as a whole they can shed new light, new vision, and create new insights on how to forgive.
It’s really interesting to read the various steps of forgiveness. Journeytowardforgiveness.com has five (5) steps. Fred Luskin has four (4) steps. Victor Parachin has ten (10) guidelines. For the most part they all have some good points and some have a few that I think are actually rather silly. For example Parachin’s number two (2) guideline smacks of Saturday Night Live’s Stuart Smalley when he says, “Spend a few minutes each day cleaning out your thinking.”[3] I’m not saying it’s not a good idea…it just sounds goofy.
The key thing here is that there are some good resources out there on forgiveness…we just have to go and find them.
[1] p 5 “Forgiving the Unforgivable” by Beverly Flanigan. Wiley Publishing.
[2] P23-26 “Forgiving the Unforgivable” by Beverly Flanigan. Wiley Publishing.
[3] http://www.sober.org/ForgVict.html