Forgiveness Pt 4: Your are the expert and are strong

If up till now I seem to be a bit cynical or sarcastic about other’s views of forgiveness and viewpoint in general let me assure you that you are not incorrect. That does not mean I am being most constructive when I am cynical and sarcastic. It’s just with so many “self help” books, faith based or otherwise, out there with little or no redeeming value it is hard for me to take the whole genre with much seriousness.
Even this that I am writing should be taken with a grain of salt. I am only an expert in my own life…and I’m making that up as I go. I don’t hold a PhD... I’m not a certified counselor. Sometimes I have a hard time holding my own relationships together. When I look at many others my age who are more accomplished I am almost embarrassed. They have finished their doctoral degrees. Their degrees may even be from more prestigious schools. They may make more and live in larger houses. The reason for this (at least in part) is because this is where they have focused their effort…their careers, their education.
I am, on one hand, proud to say that I have spent an inordinate amount of time building relationships. I have always felt it is people that are most important. Maybe that is my calling from God…to put people first.
In the past I had a lot of good friends. Then I got married. My wife has become the center of my life. Now that we have a child, he too is at the center. My friends have taken a back seat. I hardly call them, email them, write them, or see them. I’m reminded of something a man in Louisville once told me. He was in his 50’s (I guess) and was a member of the YMCA where I worked while I was in seminary. I’m not sure how we got on the topic, but he mentioned he didn’t have any friends.
He told me he went to work, came to the “Y” to work out, and then went home to his wife. He, the same as I (at this point in my life) didn’t keep in touch with old friend and acquaintances. Now don’t misunderstand this was not a sad, depressed man getting ready to walk out into traffic without looking both directions. He was smiling when he told me this and was generally one of the happiest people I had the pleasure of knowing there. It’s just how it is sometimes in life.
Sometimes, even when we are keeping up with our friendships and acquaintances we can experience great loneliness. I’ve kind of lost track of where I was going with all that except to say that I am not the final word in your relationships…you are. The things I am sharing with you are tools, perspectives, information, stories. You can take and use them. You can get bored and reject them. You can glean what you can and use it to help yourself and others you come into contact with. It’s your choice.
Despite my cynicism and sarcastic tendencies it is love that I want to share with you. My love for you and my love for seeing people love each other. Isn’t that a precious thought? I feel like Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live (I’ve got a feeling I’ll be mentioning him now and again).
Now then, where was I? Oh yes, we were blaming someone for hitting me over the head with a frying pan---not that anyone has really done that, but you get the idea. If you don’t blame anyone then you can’t forgive anyone.
In several different places I have read that forgiveness comes from a position of strength. However, if we have been abandoned, taken advantage of, robbed, or somehow invaded then the question begs; how are we in a position of strength? Well, at least initially we aren’t.
When I was doing my training for family and divorce mediation I learned there was a large number of a divorcee’s who did two specific things; run marathons and go to medical school. It rang true because I knew a girl who was going through a divorce and was preparing for both (medical school and a marathon). When her husband hit her she was not in a position of strength. When she decided to divorce him and run the marathon and go back to school she was proving to herself (and others) how strong she really was. When a marriage ends there is a huge hole in a person’s life. They have been putting a huge amount of emotional energy into their relationship for months if not for years, and now they have no one to pour that energy into. Hence, marathons and medical school.
Besides being a reservoir to pour energy into these things (and plenty of others) fill a role in the process of healing and forgiving. Accomplishing goals, stepping out and doing new things, learning who you are again; and doing so on your own effort (as opposed to the effort of family and friends…I’m not saying they won’t be a help – nor am I making a theological statement that you are doing these things apart from God) creates power for yourself. The accomplishment tells you that despite what someone did to you, you are strong and intelligent. You are a person of fortitude.
Medical school and marathons may be a bit extreme. Your power may come from getting a job after being a stay at home mom for years. After joining the workforce you may realize (you need to realize) that you are valuable, do have skills, and can make a contribution. The person(s) that hurt you took from you choices, financial resources, and/or your personal freedom. As you gain strength you are creating a solid foundation from which to forgive.