Mark Gungor and laughable sex

Recently, (yes, I know you are not supposed to start a sentence with an adverb...I don't care) my wife and I went on a marriage retreat. The guy leading the retreat was a great guy, but he came carrying DVD's. I'm thinking...we hired this guy and he's going to show us DVD's of someone else?...and yes he did.

Here's the thing. The guy on the DVD was great! His name is Mark Gungor and his website is http://www.laughyourway.com/. His DVD based marriage seminar is called, "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage."

It made me realize two really important things as I try to help others in their marriage. First, I have nothing on Sex and Mark has some really good stuff. Second, I'm just not that funny. Ah...more to work on.

It really is great stuff and that's no copout!

Thanks for reading

Ashley Judd and Wow!

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42432538/ns/today-books/

Above is a link to an interview with Ashley Judd on the Today show from last Tuesday. It's really remarkable the things she has been through and the work it sounds like she does. It's funny (not ha, ha funny) that she sounds very politically correct when discussing different things. For instance she talks about, "God, as I know him." I guess it's really sad in a way. Not because she couches some of her language in what some might consider political correctness, but because some will discount what she says because of it. Her book sounds like it contains a very powerful story. Without reading it myself I am going to recommend it simply based on this interview. If you have been through some of the things that she mentions (growing up in an alcoholic family, neglect, sexual abuse) I think this book may speak to you. Good reading.

Does Technology Enable Relationships?

Have you ever had a conversation with someone looked away for a second and when you look back they are texting someone? PLeeeeeze tell me it's not just me!

I so want to say, "it's not the technology, it's how we use it." Which is right, but it's also wrong. We are a society of short attention spans. Sometimes I think that technology just makes that attention span even shorter. So if you have a relationship with a short attention spanned techno warrior what do you really have? There's even commercials that play on this where two guys are at a table in a cafe and they are texting each other instead of talking. Is that real?

It's kind of like the whole Wii thing where people play tennis on the Wii and think they can really play tennis. Tennis is played with a little round yellow ball, not a wireless joystick. When these same Wii warriors go outside they are dismayed reality. So what? If they got exercise indoors why bother with the real thing? Maybe because the real thing is real? One of my kids cartoon movies, "Wall-E" shows a bunch of people living on a spaceship and they all live in a kind of virtual reality. They are ushered around on floating chairs and don't actually even look at each other unless it's on a screen. Kind of weird...but not far off reality.

So, back to short attention spans and texting.... I don't text. That costs extra. But if I did would I be looking at my phone every 5 minutes like everyone else? Would I sit in meetings with my head down and my thumbs pumping ferverishly? I hope not.

Does technology enable relationships? The mail helps keep people in contact who write letters to each other. The telephone helps keep people in contact who call each other. Maybe the internet could help me keep in contact with my wife and kids if they ever go to Budapest for a summer break? Who knows...crazier things have happened.

Random acts of violence

So I hear there is a woman who has killed her children again. Not that she killed them twice, but that the whole type of event has happened again. What is happening?! We started in the 1980's with Pat Sherrill the first postal worker to go nuts and start shooting. Since then all we have done is pick up steam. People shoot their co-workers, their ex after the divorce, their classmates. No place is immune. We had it happen right here in Knoxville when a loony walked into a church and opened fire.
I can remember talking about it in one of my seminary classes around 1992 and the professor (Glenn Stassen) was saying at that point he had been unable to find any instance of something like that happening in Europe. Well...it has happened since then. So what is going on in society to make people go so nuts that they think opening fire is any kind of alternative?
I can't say that I am entirely sure, but I think it has to do with our expectations of life being so different than life really is. Here's the thing. Life is hard. For some people life is awful...from the time they are born till the time they die all they know is hunger, violence, addiction, and abuse (think of say...a crack whore's baby). For other people born into more "normal" situations think of the rampant physical and sexual abuse that is more and more prevalent in society. Let's make it even more Beaver Cleaver than that. Let's take someone who grows up in a two parent family with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever.
Gotcha. That family doesn't exist. You can't have 2.5 kids. But there is this idealized standard somewhere in our subconscious that says we should be part of a normal family where life is easier than our life is. We see it in stories growing up. We watch it on television shows. We see families that look more appealing than ours in movies. We are bombarded with those same messages without mercy in advertising.
How can we get the message out that the make believe world isn't the real world? Maybe a reality TV show? Maybe we could follow around a "typical American family" and see how they live? Nah...that'd never work.
All the messages out there don't push us all over the limit. I'm not saying they do and I don't know anyone who is saying they do. I think they do help push some people over the limit. Those who are already on the fringe. Take someone who doesn't have a support system. No friends, alienated, loners.
Think about this. For all the random acts of violence we have you never read about a gang member doing this kind of thing. Their violence is targeted (sometimes they mistake their targets, but I've never heard of them going off in a suicidal rage). You don't have mafia hit men going nuts and walking in and shooting up the pizza place. Even those folks have relationships.
So what does all this mean? First, it means make sure you have support so you don't go off the deep end yourself. Second, it means reach out to those around you and make sure they know they are loved and welcomed. Third, if you see a loner...turn off the TV and internet, buy a flack jacket, and take them out to dinner. The life you save may be your own.

Civility in the Home

A recent article by Susan Hauser in Workforce Management suggests that incivility in the workplace may be costing the U.S. economy billions (with a "b") of dollars every year. So what is incivility? It is everything from the workforce bully to simply not saying, "hello" to your co-workers. To combat workplace incivility many consultants and organizations have sprung up to educate and work towards making the workplace a better place.
Pier Forni, a professor at Johns Hopkins, is quoted in the article and it explains his viewpoint on how to create a civil workplace. He says it comes down to the "Three R's: Restraint, respect, and responsibility." Jill Bremer, a consultant, working in the field mentioned that as casual dress has become more commonplace so has casual conversation (as opposed to professional conversation).
Think about this whole issue of civility in the workplace. How civil is your work environment? Do people recognize each other after a difficult interaction with a customer? Or...do they simply say, "whew, I'm glad I didn't get that one!" Do people say, "please" or "thank you?" As a lot of communication is non-verbal what do people's attitudes communicate? What about their tone of voice?
Most of us spend eight to nine hours a day at work. Our relationships there are a major part of our lives. Do we put in the effort to be civil at work? Now, if we do it at work, how much more should we do it at home?

The Great State of Pennsylvania

I want to briefly tell you the story of Rosetto, a small city in Pennsylvania. It was founded by immigrants 1882. The citizenry was uniformly Catholic. All the citizens shared the same faith and thus same church. It was a mining town and everyone's work life rotated around mining. Furthermore they lived in close proximity. A town with houses nearly one on top of the other similar to a small European community. Nothing about this is spectacular. Many cities share similar characteristics, but Rosetto had another factor that made it different. All of the inhabitants of Rosetto came from Roseto, Italy.

There was minimal influence from outside society. Households generally were made up of three generations. So there were tight relationships within family households. The city as a whole had close relationships focused around faith and work. These relationships sustained the citizenry not just emotionally and spiritually, but physically as well.

The proof? Extensive studies show that among the people of Rosetto it was very, very rare for anyone to have a heart attack under the age of 65. This despite poor diets, overweight citizens, and life in the mines. The people of Roseto shared doctors and hospitals with other nearby towns. After all the research eliminated cause after cause the research pointed to only one cause for the longevity of those living in the town. Relationships. Relationships have the power to heal and the power to sustain. Living life in dynamic relationship with others is what we were created for.

I learned of Rosetto in Malcom Gladwell's book "Outliers" and the website http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2376462/.

Remember what we are here for.

Let's get it going

So I have not done anything with this blog in years. I have good intentions about trying to keep it up and to finish my book (about faith and relationships), but without any deadlines I'm not getting it done. As I listen to the news from time to time I am constantly reminded of the poor state of our relationships. Whether it is the man who shot the judge, the nine year old boy, and the senator or the guy the year before that opened fire on his ex-wife and her family killing them all and burning down their trailer...I just feel like I've got something to offer.

It isn't that much, but it's something. My basic message is that we are made for relationships and that relationships are hard. I've got a little more, but that's the main gist of it. I think we are confused about why we are here and we expect it to be a bit easier.

Some people think we are just here until we are worm food. Or we are here to enjoy life as best we can...until we get to that worm food stage. Or maybe we are here so we can point out where everyone else is wrong. I guess people have been trying to figure out why we are here as long as...well as long as we've been here.

I think we are here for relationships. Love your God, love your neighbor, and love yourself. And it ain't easy. That's my message. Get ready for more where that came from.

Drew