Forgiveness Pt. 6: The Easy Five Step Plan

Now, the milkman story applies to what I call “small forgiveness.” Most of what I’ve discussed previously are in the context of “large forgiveness.” The small things, the daily irritations, the social snubs, the pains and itches of life that while irritating don’t stop us in our tracks. Now and then though, we do get stopped in our tracks. Life takes a brick and throws it through the windshield of our lives. We come to a screeching halt and just do not know how to move ahead.

“What happened? My windshield is busted. That just about scarred me to death.”
“Who threw that brick?”
“Where did it come from?”
“How do you expect me to continue driving with a brick through my windshield? There is glass all over the place and I am hurt and bleeding.”
“When am I going to fix this mess so I can move on along?”

Big forgiveness requires effort…a lot of effort. On exceedingly rare occasion something big might happen to a person that can seemingly shrug it off or say a single prayer and move on with their day. I would say that generally people to act like forgiveness happens that way are lying to themselves and everyone else at the same time.
Forgiveness, true forgiveness takes effort and time. We are not God. We can’t snap our fingers (does God have fingers?) and forgive. We human beings almost adore the skeletons in our closets. We nurse them and almost refuse to set them on the curb and be done with them. However….
However, if you follow my easy, pleasy five step plan of forgiveness and send $19.99 to my publisher I’m feeling confident that you will be on your way (again I digress into cynicism and sarcasm, but what did you really expect? Yes, I do have a five step forgiveness plan and it sounds cheesy just typing it out loud, but…I really do think it will help. I really do think we need better framework for forgiveness. We need some direction. This is what I came up with. Use it, adapt it, or throw it out…it’s your choice).
Step one. Understand the WHY. Why do we need to forgive? Realize that you need to forgive for your own selfish reasons most of all. “Selfishness” is almost universally regarded as a negative trait, but when it comes to forgiveness selfishness is in reality a gift from God. We are the ones who benefit most from forgiveness. We are freed from resentment. We are rejuvenated when our emotional and intellectual energy are freed up for better tasks. We are able to move ahead in our lives and leave our interaction with our injurer as part of our story, part of our past, part of who we are, but not the totality of who we are. We need to forgive…for ourselves.
Step two. Understand the WHAT? What happened to you? Define it as many ways as possible. Defining what happened more than one way helps to create a deeper understanding of what actually did happen. For example if you were assaulted by someone you know then many, many things happened. There was a physical assault. There was a breach of trust. There was an invasion of relational boundaries. There was an adjustment to your personal belief that your friends would not do something like that to you. It wasn’t just a physical assault. Knowing “the what” will help you understand more completely what it is you need to forgive.
Step three. Understand the WHERE. The “where” sounds pretty darn simple. It happened here! To you! You are the where. The injury is yours. If someone else was injured then their injury is theirs. But is it really that simple all the time? What about a parent that either has an accident or is hit by another driver. They may be injured, but so may their child. Maybe they are fine and their child or other passenger is the only one hurt. Maybe the injury is temporary like a broken arm, but maybe there are permanent facial scars on a perfect newborn’s face, or maybe there is permanent brain damage. Where is the injury to you? If a loved one is injured by someone else along with your then where is the “where” that you have to forgive?
Where did the injury to you occur. How do you define your injury when someone for destroys your family? Your parents? Your children? Can you forgive an attacker for attacking someone else? Well, were your dreams destroyed? Was your life with your family destroyed? Was your hope for the future destroyed? So…maybe there was something done to you after all. You just have to find it, define it, understand it, and then swallow it so you can spit it back out.
Let’s sum up how we are able to forgive (to remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it).
What Happened? Define it as many ways as you can.
Where? Here! Your injury happened to you. Their injury happened to them. Injuries to loved ones are tough to sort out, but try to define how their injury affected you or your relationship with them.
Who? Who is to blame for this injury? Was it an accident, an intentional act, or a secondary result from a previous action? You have to assign blame in order to forgive.
When? When do I (you) start this forgiving, defining, blaming process? When do I start to heal? When? When you start.
How? It is a process. A messy process. We have defined and blamed, now you have to do you. You have to strengthen yourself. Remind yourself you are not just a victim-you have power. You must get yourself to realize that you have the mental, emotional, and spiritual power to “move beyond the past” and create a new life for your road that lies ahead.

Whether it is a “small” injury that you can “gift” to the injurer or a larger injury that takes years of solitary effort; you can forgive. You should forgive. It is not letting the offender off the hook. It is stripping the offender of the power to continue to hurt you. Their personal weakness, shortcomings, or insanity impacted you. Regain yourself. Regain your strength. Look up and see your life beyond your injury.